do you understand english?

above and beyond . . the call of duty.. the line of fire..
the holidays were nice, with the exception of entering the church.
i was actually looking forward to going to our candle-light service,
but after being there.. i only wanted to get out.
church to me now is not what it used to be...
when i was younger, i loved church because i felt one with a family,
i felt apart of a group, a place to learn and grow and be safe ...
now i only feel eyes upon me and i wonder what they're thinking.
not completely an outcast, but no longer open arms loving in abundance..
rather open arms loving if i'm willing to conform.. and who knows if and when that will happen.
i was pleased when i didnt recieve a card from my mother, making me feel sorry and cry infront of everyone.... but little did i know that the books she gave me held a special message.
i was excited when i realized she gave me a book that was full of questions and answers and seemed to be about life.... but after the first two pages and questions about Gods word, i closed them and i'm not sure if i will be willing to open them again.
i did however, fill out the first few questions:
-do you feel you are growing mentally? emotionally? spiritually? explain:
"i am growing mentally every day in life.. at 22 embarking on the early stages of adulthood, i am always growing. i am growing emotionally. more so thanks to growing older and the bond and connection with my brother, my boyfriend, and slowly my parents.. my friend base here has opened me up and my heart more than ever before. it's wonderful. my spirituality is growing yet questioning daily. "spirituality" is something i feel strongly for, "religion" is a constant struggle. i believe in belief.. but i have issus with everyone's versions of it being pushed upon others and shoved down my throat. ..reasons i find difficulty in the bible.. i find "God" in the world.. surroundings.. places.. good or bad.. a Being.. happenings.. not so much a person. although sometimes when i speak or pray i happen to speak as though it is to a person.. though i know the story, the text, the word, i believe. i do not disagree.. but i also find my peace in my comfort.. and my comfort in my beliefs."

and that is where my journey with my mothers gift shall end.

atleast for now.

i hope everyone else had a pleasing holiday.

mine was delightful. truly.

perhaps i now know what i meant when i made my last comment on the last blog,
"we are a great generation filling in for an absenti-mother."