do you understand english?

above and beyond . . the call of duty.. the line of fire..
the holidays were nice, with the exception of entering the church.
i was actually looking forward to going to our candle-light service,
but after being there.. i only wanted to get out.
church to me now is not what it used to be...
when i was younger, i loved church because i felt one with a family,
i felt apart of a group, a place to learn and grow and be safe ...
now i only feel eyes upon me and i wonder what they're thinking.
not completely an outcast, but no longer open arms loving in abundance..
rather open arms loving if i'm willing to conform.. and who knows if and when that will happen.
i was pleased when i didnt recieve a card from my mother, making me feel sorry and cry infront of everyone.... but little did i know that the books she gave me held a special message.
i was excited when i realized she gave me a book that was full of questions and answers and seemed to be about life.... but after the first two pages and questions about Gods word, i closed them and i'm not sure if i will be willing to open them again.
i did however, fill out the first few questions:
-do you feel you are growing mentally? emotionally? spiritually? explain:
"i am growing mentally every day in life.. at 22 embarking on the early stages of adulthood, i am always growing. i am growing emotionally. more so thanks to growing older and the bond and connection with my brother, my boyfriend, and slowly my parents.. my friend base here has opened me up and my heart more than ever before. it's wonderful. my spirituality is growing yet questioning daily. "spirituality" is something i feel strongly for, "religion" is a constant struggle. i believe in belief.. but i have issus with everyone's versions of it being pushed upon others and shoved down my throat. ..reasons i find difficulty in the bible.. i find "God" in the world.. surroundings.. places.. good or bad.. a Being.. happenings.. not so much a person. although sometimes when i speak or pray i happen to speak as though it is to a person.. though i know the story, the text, the word, i believe. i do not disagree.. but i also find my peace in my comfort.. and my comfort in my beliefs."

and that is where my journey with my mothers gift shall end.

atleast for now.

i hope everyone else had a pleasing holiday.

mine was delightful. truly.

perhaps i now know what i meant when i made my last comment on the last blog,
"we are a great generation filling in for an absenti-mother."

we sashayed to variations of hell

Last week I watched as a corpse of a small unidentifiable mammal was dined on by a handful of maggots. Something hit me as I stared at what use to be a chest cavity on this animal, why couldn't it change the world while it was alive. That rabbit or fox or raccoon or whatever had all the right circumstances.

The right circumstances

Stories

Experiences

Timing

Friends and foes

It was part of the perfect generation

That creature was part of a great generation that could have changed the course of history and changed the world

I believe that I am part of the greatest generation that has inhabited the earth to this point

Not because of the individuals in the group, or the mistakes we make, the advances in technology, the changes in time . . . but because of our timing

The circumstances are there/the stage set/the curtain lifted

The history of the earth is ours for the changing right now, for better or worse

We will dance in the shadows of Gods to Miles Davis

We will scream our fears from mountain tops without fear of losing our voice

We will dream of better days far from our adolescent lives and make them real

We will change the course of history . . . and will not allow it to repeat

We will stand for what we believe in, regardless of persecution

We will swim to the depths of the oceans and ourselves in search of truth

We will hope for a governing body we can trust, and we will elect them

We will create a future for our children which is unfathomable as of now

We will relish the here and now, like there is no tomorrow

We will inspire each other to achieve greatness at whatever fills our hearts

We will empower the weak and suffering to rise above the pain

We will sing our song at all hours of the night for everyone to hear and sing along

We will fight the evil in our lives, until it is no more

We will break the bonds that unite individuals against one another

We will overcome the struggles of diversity to rise as a single voice to create change

We will free the individuals imprisoned in the minds society has created for them

We will remember the people from our past and how they helped us get to where we are

We will cherish every breath we take and not take a single one for granted

We will amaze the critics that ever doubted that we were being honest

We will march in the streets and through the haze to show we are united

We will write our revolution on the walls of every building across this country

We will believe in everything we do and every word we say

And We will destroy anyone who tells us it cannot be done